Direction

I was tempted to take yesterday off from work. I already knew that I was likely to spend part of the afternoon cleaning the house rather than working--I wanted to create some not busy space during the weekend. Why not do what I'd done on many Fridays, and take the whole day for domestic tasks, adding menu planning and grocery shopping to round out the day?  Or what if I spent part of my day culling my clothes down to a more basic wardrobe, as Krista inspired me to think about doing with her "Living with Purpose" month? Or maybe I could settle down with a novel, or knitting, or write...Aren't I justified in slowing down and doing some internal work?

And then it hit me: the answer depends on the direction I am moving in. Of course it's valid to time off from "productivity" for things that feed my soul, or that simply give me a greater sense of breathing room and sanity. The question was (and always is): am I taking time off in order to move forward and grow creatively, to take stock in things that really matter to me? Or....am I running away from my work, because I lack confidence or focus? Am I letting lack of momentum win over? Yesterday, I decided that taking the day off would be running away rather than moving forward.  And then I realized that I have allowed myself to do a decent amount of running away from work in the past few months.

Sabbatical is a funny thing. On the one hand, it offers the breathing room and lack of pressure that allows me to mull things over, follow a few dead ends, and let things unfold organically. And yes, one of the purposes of sabbatical is also to replenish myself. I was very close to burnout when last July rolled around and my sabbatical began. I needed--need--to use this year to center myself and heal. On the other hand, unstructured time can be overwhelming. When I am teaching (and sitting on committees and going to meetings and holding office hours), there never seems to be enough time to get anything done. I always know what to do next, because there is something demanding my immediate attention. It is exhausting, but also oddly reassuring because every next step is clear. Sabbatical is the opposite: I have to do all of my prioritizing and pacing for myself. It's easy to get distracted, or to want to give up when I hit an obstacle.

So I worked. I finished a book I was reading, took some notes, and jotted down ideas on how I might use this information in my own work. I did not work quickly, nor did I try to do so. I trusted in and enjoyed the process. I moved toward work, rather than just forcing myself to do it.

One of the things that I have known about myself for a long time is that I am happiest and most productive when I am not trying to "get anywhere" or prove anything. Now I have added to this insight, understanding that it matters what direction I'm heading in. If I am moving toward something, I can let go and trust in the process. If I am running away, I won't find contentment no matter what I do.

Now it's just a matter of remembering to ask "What do I want to move toward today?"